FOR COUPLES of the last century, the ligaw or courtship culture saw the infatuated young man visit the house of his inamorata and woo her through bold evening serenades and the performance of chores to impress her family.
In the present generation, such dating rituals have begun to take a back seat. Winning hearts transitioned into text messaging, until the internet took it to a new level through online dating. Changes in people’s views about romantic relationships paved the way for new ways of seeking and expressing intimacy.
Rhyme dela Cruz, a second-year Creative Writing student, would scroll through her TikTok For You page (FYP) and repeatedly encounter relationship content. One video after another played: a man pulling a prank on his soon-to-be wife by squashing her face against their wedding cake — ruining a full face makeup that cost her at least P3,000.
“You can see that there are a lot of comments that go, ‘Girl, leave him,’ ” dela Cruz said.
Online jargon such as ‘organic encounter’ and ‘situationships’ and multicolored flags begin to fill the generational lexicon, alongside numerous ‘theories’ like the Taxi-Cab Theory and Rice Cooker Theory.
Trending posts by those who swoon over a “TDH” or a tall, dark and handsome man or morenos have pervaded the online collective consciousness. But this fixation can be easily superseded by whatever catches the attention of social media users, whose realities are shaped by the digital crumbs their activities leave behind.
But some ideas keep recurring online, including the concept of the ‘bare minimum.’ It refers to a personal measure of the minimum level of effort one expects from a partner.
Opening doors, giving flowers, shouldering the bill for a date and sending updates every hour are simply no longer optional; they are the bare minimum. Or those on social media say so.
Never settling for less
The idea of having a bare minimum reminds people to slow down and evaluate what they really want out of a relationship — a reminder that dela Cruz feels is much needed by many.
“I think some people do tend to settle for less in this day and age,” she said.
“A lot of people who have dealt with being single for most of their life kind of settle for relationships because they want to experience a relationship.”
Establishing a ‘bare minimum’ also shields one from heartbreaks, as Accountancy sophomore Ruben Gabuya has learned. He has been under unclear “situationships” and has been ghosted, outcomes he blamed on bouts of immature decisions.
Having once compromised his standards for a girl he liked too much despite unreciprocated efforts, he views it as a “never again” moment.
“Settling for less is not sustainable in the long-run. Imagine getting used to being treated like that,” Gabuya said.
“In my next relationship, I’d definitely not settle for that treatment again… Fool me twice, shame on me.”
Others, like Biology sophomore Raine Pineda, know what they want.
Pineda’s partial expectations for a future boyfriend includes someone who pays on the first date and sticks to the chivalrous “sidewalk rule,” where the man has to walk closest to the road to protect the woman from oncoming traffic or splashing puddles.
“If they don’t reach it, then that’s grounds for you to leave,” Pineda said, on her view of the bare minimum.
But if she were any younger, her standard of a bare minimum would be someone with the height between 5’11 and 6’0. It was a must for them to be upper class or upper, upper class — not to mention a student of one of the so-called “Big Four” schools.
Pineda recalled a time when a girl she knew called her boyfriend an “instant red flag” after forgetting to give her Valentine’s Day flowers. Yet she wonders how this could be the case now, when she witnessed her parents be more tolerant.
“For our parents, if on Valentine’s Day they wouldn’t give flowers, but for them, the mere fact that they’re still together, they’re still married, that’s enough for them,” she said.
Standards shaped by the media
For some, it is not out of the ordinary for arguments to stem from the lack of flowers or chocolates, insisting that it is not the gift that matters, but the “principle.”
Yet whether they realize it or not, Filipino Gen Z’s dating standards are heavily influenced by media portrayals and norms, a study shows. Consuming idealized versions of “the perfect one” while scrolling through social media shapes their standard and serves as the mold of what they look for.
“Much of the trends that we see at present easily get viral in various social media platforms, and these trends become the model that people adopt as part of their practices,” UST Department of Behavioral Science chair Gian Carlo Ledesma said, referring to Gen Z’s dating scene.
“Based on stories or contents they see in these platforms, they become aware of their own situations,” Ledesma, also a registered psychologist, added.
Pineda is conscious of the virtual platform’s influence.
“Social media is with us every single day,” she said.
“I won’t deny that it has shaped the way I dream of my future partner.”
Beyond algorithms that circulate ideas and opinions about dating, social media also offers users an edit button. By carefully curating content, cropping out the mess and selecting the right angles, a seemingly unblemished love life can be assembled post by post.
Single “since birth,” dela Cruz sometimes finds herself squinting at her friends’ Instagram feeds: nearly-arranged bouquets and night-outs set to looping love songs. But a swipe to their private stories tells a different tale. There, the filters fade, as frustrated voices rant about what their partner did wrong.
“It’s like I have a mixed idea when it comes to relationships based on social media. That’s the largest exposure I have with modern dating,” dela Cruz said.
Pineda highlighted the customizability of online personas and its link to viewers’ preferences.
“Social media offers you clothes for a Barbie,” Pineda said.
“A blank canvas can’t possibly appeal to anyone. It has to contain and represent what they want. Or rather, what they think they want.”
A balancing act
By establishing a sense of the “bare minimum,” people are becoming more aware of what to steer clear of when forming relationships. But how does one stand firm on what he or she wants while being grounded in reality instead of internet trends?
An article by licensed psychotherapist Allison Abrams states that this can be done by getting to know a person on a deeper level and not merely scraping off the surface.
“You know when you see something on your Tiktok ‘For You’ Page and you think, This is my ideal relationship, I want this? Social media does affect me, but not in a delusional sense,” Gabuya said.
For him, it all comes with a mindset shift. As the barrage of standards on love fills his FYP, Gabuya
detaches from the content instead of getting lost in it. Whenever he finds himself in a talking stage with another person, he seeks to peel off the layers and layers of what a person possibly could be instead of focusing on shallow expectations.
In the case of Pineda, it is a matter of discovering how social media has the ability to elevate different perspectives on the same situation. It boils down to discerning which content to resonate with.
Once, a passing video had a woman complain about how her boyfriend gave girls compliments like they were free samples. While many comments echoed grievances, just as many defended the man whose intentions could not have been malicious. Reading both sides taught Pineda to pause and weigh her reactions more carefully.
“It’s a lot better that other people’s opinions get mixed up because you become a lot more open-minded to what actions are actually fine. These comments teach you to be a lot more patient and understanding,” she said.
Redefining relationships
“When a person commits to a relationship, utmost authenticity is also expected,” Ledesma said.
This includes their best, their worst and future animosities. It is about being true to one another after
seeing holes in one’s everyday wear or wearing ridiculous pyjamas to discovering the scars hidden due to life’s challenges.
Having high standards, in dela Cruz’s view, also means setting a high standard on oneself. Like a ladder climbed rung by rung, each step requires the same upward pull of effort, not just unilateral pressure on one person.
“We should keep going higher with our standards while also trying to heighten or elevate standards for ourselves, so that we won’t idealize our partners or our relationship — and so that we can also be the best person for another,” she said.
The three Thomasians interviewed for this piece are proud singles and are not in a rush to change that.
While others are busy trying to please their partners or planning a one-of-a-kind date in an Instagrammable venue, Pineda is satisfied with simple get-togethers like a nice meal and a movie date with her family and friends.
Gabuya and dela Cruz do not mind enjoying a marathon series or a well-written book while their acquaintances are sharing sweet nothings with their respective significant others.
Others may call them unconventional or may even accuse them of sourgraping, but they are very much aware of who would benefit from their form of love, which has been deemed as a requisite or foundation for loving others.
“Me, myself and I,” they said. F — Mikyla Gusto
